13 Jun, 2019

Self Care Corner: Staying Friends with Your Ex (?)

By |2021-08-19T20:39:20-04:00June 13th, 2019|Categories: Self & Community Care|Tags: |0 Comments

If being friends with your ex is affecting your ability to move forward, read on.

Nothing brings about a flood of emotions like our exes.

On a website and blog that focuses on workshops, research and evaluation, and program sustainability, why am I blogging about relationships?

Well, I promised myself I’d blog more about self care in 2019. More specifically, how we think about self care within the context of our relationships. This is something I want to explore, given that it’s something that we all face at some point in our lives.

I’m happy to say that the people I’ve had romantic relationships with are good people, and I’m at a place in my life now where I can identify the purpose each one had in my life and the life lessons I learned at those moments in time. I can think about the good times I’ve had with them and wish them all well. But are we friends to the point that I’d consider them part of my inner circle? Not really.

When identifying your “breathe” supports, one question to ask yourself is “Do you feel that the people you’ve chosen as your ‘breathe’ supports are sufficient or do you need to expand your circle of support?” For some, a former romantic partner might be part of that support system.

I never thought about being friends with an ex until I experienced my first heartache, about a year after graduating from college. He asked if we could remain friends, and I agreed. My rationale: I wanted to get him back and thought the best way to do it was to show him I could be a good friend.

I remember attending a party with him about a month after we broke up, and it was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. Not only did I feel uncomfortable, he and I barely spoke and when we did it felt forced. Plus, the people at the party were confused as to why we arrived at this party together in the first place. (It’s funny now, but at the time it wasn’t). Every communication I had with him was awkward and didn’t feel good. Even months and years later, most interactions with him felt forced and disingenuous. 

I had to be honest about why I’d attempted something that in the end, didn’t make me feel good. First off, trying to get an ex back by being friends with them doesn’t work. I also thought about how I physically felt when interacting with my ex (shallow breathing, quickening heartbeat) and how I felt emotionally (defeated, and a loser).

So one day, I gave myself permission to stop trying to be friends with him because I needed to find some relief. This didn’t include an announcement that I would no longer be contacting him or blocking him from contacting me. I just slowly lessened communication with him. When I checked in with myself, I felt better physically, and not so much like a loser. But I had a nagging thought: He’s a good guy. We technically didn’t end on bad terms, so what gives?

If we’re honest with ourselves, not all romantic relationships are supposed to last, and not all relationships end on bad terms. But does this mean we have to remain friends with our exes?

I realized that I shouldn’t force myself to continue doing something I didn’t want to do, even if my intentions for wanting to remain friends weren’t exactly pure in the beginning. Plus, it was preventing me from moving on with my life. 

If you find yourself contemplating whether to remain friends with an ex and it’s impacting how you take care of yourself, ask these questions:

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24 May, 2019

Self Care Corner: Change the Narrative

By |2021-08-19T20:38:00-04:00May 24th, 2019|Categories: Self & Community Care|Tags: , |0 Comments

What happens when we challenge other people’s narratives about us?

One of my limiting beliefs is “I always have to prove myself”.

Like most of us, working hard is something that’s ingrained. In order to achieve a goal, we have to work hard for it. And by working hard for it, we have to prove to others that we’re competent.

The other day, I was doing some client work, and playing on a loop in my mind was “I don’t know what I’m doing”.

I stopped working. The task I was doing is a task I do all the time for my clients, and everything I present the results back to my clients, they’re appreciative. So, why was this thought playing?

Instead of getting frustrated, I became curious. I decided to get to the bottom of it. Where did this belief come from?

I discovered that this belief stemmed from a comment my 7th-grade math teacher made about me to my mom during a parent/teacher conference. I had been struggling with a math concept in the class, and it was playing out in my grades at the time. My mom was upset because the teacher told her “I don’t think Nicole knows what she’s doing”.

I remembered feeling embarrassed because I hadn’t told my mom that I was struggling in the class. I also remember making it my mission to prove to my teacher that I did know what I was doing. For the remainder of the school year, whenever I would complete a problem, I would go up to my math teacher to show her that I figured it out. Essentially to prove to her that I do know what I’m doing.

Looking back, that teacher probably never changed her opinion about it, no matter how many math problems I solved. Second, I never questioned my mother why my teacher felt that way. Third, it’s possible that the teacher said positive things about me, made mention to the fact that she noticed I was beginning to struggle a bit, and my mom interpreted the way she did. Lastly, not only did I pass the class, I went on to pass every other math class I enrolled in.

I see how this one incident–told to me from someone else’s interpretation–created this narrative that, years later, I still struggle with. Instead of getting upset with myself, I asked, “What happens when we challenge other people’s narratives about us, and how can we do it in a way that is beneficial for us, rather than trying to prove a point?”

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24 Apr, 2019

Self Care Corner: Beware of “Greener Grass” Syndrome

By |2021-08-19T20:32:35-04:00April 24th, 2019|Categories: Self & Community Care|Tags: , |0 Comments

You’ll never know what your neighbor had to do to get their grass this green

Recently, someone told me they envied me.

When I asked why, they commented that since I work for myself, am not married or are a parent, I control how I spend my time and who I work with, that my life is relatively peaceful, and I don’t share anything personal about myself.

True. I rarely have the “Sunday Blues” (that feeling of anxiety, sadness, or depression many feel as the work week approaches), my time is my own for the most part, and I don’t have many of the stressors that many people deal with.

But they deduced this based on what I post on social media of all places.

If you follow me on any of my social media platforms, you’ll notice that I rarely, if ever, share completely personal things about myself these days, and if I do it’s usually tied back into my brand somehow. On my blog, I’ve shared some insights into my life, from the impact of my mother’s death to my IUD insertion experience and my annoyances with the social work profession, among other things. And every so often I’ll post a great concert I went to (like Emily King, Robert Glasper or Anderson Paak), something that inspires me about living in New York City, or my images from my twin’s bridal shower on my social media.

When I’m struggling with something(s), my family, close friends, and my journal will hear about it before I consider posting about it on my blog or on social media. And while it does help to know that we’re not alone in what we’re going through, we also have a right to privacy.

There’s been a lot of talk about how social media is really impacting how we view the world and ourselves. We’re absorbing information like never before, and much of it we resort to conclusions about even if we don’t know the full story.

And even if it’s not something deeply personal, you also don’t have to share it for the world to see.

Now more than ever, it’s important to realize that what we see and how we perceive it may not be the full story. We can come to our own conclusions and still clamor to know more information, but we’re in our rights to disclose what we want.

It’s like standing in your front yard, lamenting over how your grass looks while your neighbor’s grass is vibrantly green. There could be nothing wrong with how your grass looks, but you’re just curious about how your neighbor was able to get their grass that color green.

You can conclude that your neighbor’s been feeding their grass some state-of-the-art or expensive lawn food. But you don’t know what your neighbor had to do to get their grass that color green.

You could ask and a few things could happen: They might not disclose how they did it. They can tell you what they’re using and can recommend you try it (and you can try it and discover it doesn’t work for your lawn). Or you find out that they didn’t do anything differently from what you’ve done; their grass just ended up being that color green.

I call it the “greener grass” syndrome, and it’s impacting our self care.

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10 Apr, 2019

Self Care Corner: Forgive Yourself

By |2021-08-19T20:28:55-04:00April 10th, 2019|Categories: Self & Community Care|Tags: , |0 Comments

If we can encourage our friends to learn and grow from their mistakes, why shouldn’t we do the same for ourselves?

One of my goals for 2019 is to share more self care content, and to do so in ways that go beyond how we typically think about self care.

Part of how we care for ourselves is tied to our relationship to others. How can situations happening in our lives impact how we reenergize ourselves and connect with others? I began exploring this with my 2017 post “Face Your Worst Case Scenario“, where I shared advice on how to self-coach yourself through difficult times.

This post will be considered a follow-up to that post, focusing on dealing with the aftermath of a worst case scenario.

One of my favorite quotes comes from motivational speaker and corporate CEO Lisa Nichols in her video “Why You Must Forgive Yourself To Release Guilt”:

In the video, Lisa says, “When…you’re riddled with guilt, it really stops at some point being about them forgiving you and becomes about can you really love you enough to forgive yourself. When I ask this question to my students, they say, ‘But Lisa! You don’t know what I did. You have no idea what I didn’t do.’ It’s as if the magnitude of your error justifies the lack of forgiveness you offer yourself“…When you give yourself permission to be worthy of forgiveness, that’s when you [exhale] ‘Ok, I made a mistake. I did what I did based on what I knew. When I know more, I do more, and when I know better, I do better’…The same grace and compassion you’re willing to give to others, be willing to give that to yourself.”

When we hurt someone, we feel guilt or shame. We feel this way because we care. We’ve all made mistakes that have impacted our relationship with others. Sometimes those decisions were made because we really wanted to hurt them. And sometimes those decisions came from a place of fear or self-preservation.

When we hurt others, the natural response is to seek forgiveness. But even this can be hard to come by due to our own pride or also due to never getting the closure we seek.

Part of our self care practice should include knowing how to forgive ourselves, regardless of the size of our transgression and the understanding that we may never receive an apology. It’s self care because we learn to move forward with the understanding that we may never get the chance to apologize, and also knowing how to move forward even if our apology isn’t accepted.

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14 Mar, 2019

Self Care Corner: Pass Around a Compliment

By |2021-08-19T20:27:12-04:00March 14th, 2019|Categories: Self & Community Care|Tags: |0 Comments


During my junior and senior years of college, I was a resident assistant in a freshman dorm. In hindsight, I probably should have chosen an upperclassman dorm to make things easier for myself (especially during senior year), but I had so much fun during my freshman year. Plus, one of my favorite freshman RAs was a senior herself.

Anywho, outside of planning activities for my floor of 23 girls and planning events for the dorm at large, I had to hold routine meetings to give updates on what’s happening in freshman life, the dorm, and on the floor.

At the end of our first meeting of the spring semester during my junior year, I had my girls do an activity. At the time, I thought it would be a nice way to have the girls share something nice about each other. Now, I see how this activity was as much about their individual self care as it was doing something nice for each other.

The activity is simple: Have your audience (clients, workshop participants, coworkers, students, etc.) sit in a circle (around a table, in a circle on the floor, etc.) Pass out sheets of paper (preferably white 8×11 sheets) and writing utensils. Have everyone write their name at the top of their sheet.

Once everyone has written their name, have everyone raise their sheet. Next, instruct everyone to pass their sheet to the person to their left.

Now, everyone will spend 1-2 minutes writing something meaningful about the person whose sheet they have before passing it on to the next person. (While you can add your name next to the compliment you give, you can opt to remain anonymous.) By the time the sheets return to their owner, their sheets will be filled with affirmations and compliments from their peers.

This is self care and community care for several reasons:

  • It helps us to give compliments. We often see things in others that we admire, but may be embarrassed to share with them openly. Also, when we give praise to someone, it helps us feel more self-confident in knowing that we’re making someone’s day.
  • It helps us to receive compliments. Receiving compliments can often feel more embarrassing compared to giving compliments because we may feel that we’re not doing anything extraordinary, so we will downplay it. Plus, seeing compliments in written form prevents us from verbally downplaying what someone sees in us.
  • It allows us to go beyond the self. Life is busy, and we all have things we’re focused on and worried about. When we compliment someone else, it focuses us to be more mindful of what’s happening around us and to the people we know, respect, and appreciate.
  • It allows us to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes. What we may consider mundane about ourselves can sometimes be something that someone else greatly admires about us. It’s a great way to see ourselves affirmed.
  • Regardless of what’s happening in our lives, we can all use a kind word. Life has its ups and down, and unless someone shares, we never truly know what someone else is doing through. While we may not be able to help someone solve a problem, giving a sincere compliment can go a long way.

Once everyone received their sheets back, we debriefed. It was wonderful to observe my residents looking over their sheets and trying to pinpoint which of their peers left a particular message when a name wasn’t listed. Some residents got a little emotional and shared why (and it mostly related to the fifth point above).

I did the activity as well, as after the meeting we placed our sheets next to our dorm rooms. Not only did the other dorm residents stop by our floor to see what my residents had written about each other, some took it upon themselves to do this exercise with their floormates.

Try this out and let me know how it goes for you.


Raise Your Voice: How can the act of giving and receiving compliments serve as a form of self care? Share below in the comments section.

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