5 Sep, 2011

The Circle: A Story About Virginity

By |2021-08-19T17:27:56-04:00September 5th, 2011|Categories: Miscellaneous|Tags: , |0 Comments

NOTE: I wrote this piece back in 2005 as a peer educator for the website MySistahs , an online peer education site developed by Advocates for Youth . Tomorrow, I will post my thoughts on this piece.

 

When I tell people that I don’t smoke, they commend me. When they discover that I don’t drink, they look at me with blank stares and ask: “How can you be 21 and not drink?” I have always been fine telling people about these aspects of my life. It seems to be somewhat out of the norm for college life with the wild parties, the drinking, the smoking; but I have never been curious about those aspects of college life. I’m more into classes, sitting around and being silly with my friends, and finding ways to use my talent and creativity. I’m usually open about most aspects of my life, but it wasn’t until recently that I had to sit down and reevaluate. I still don’t understand myself most of the time. I can admit to that. I have hopes, big and small, and I like to think outside the box. All of this I can admit to anyone. But why is it difficult for me to admit that I am a virgin?

Well, it’s not all that hard. I’m not really embarrassed at all to admit it, but the reactions I receive ( the goofy grins from the boys or the stares of disbelief from the girls) and the comments (“Why?” or “Aww…How old are you again?”) make me hesitant. My virginity is something that I am proud of; yet it is just one of many aspects of me, and it doesn’t overshadow everything else. I don’t want anyone to believe that I think I am better than they are because I’ve never had sex. And I don’t want to push my lifestyle onto others who may not feel the way I do.

It was never a conscious decision on my part to remain abstinent in college. However, I’m remaining abstinent so that I can avoid unintended pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including HIV, and the emotional entanglements that come with sexual activity. I have other things to worry about.

People have different definitions of what remaining abstinent means. To me, sexual abstinence is refraining from vaginal, anal, and oral sexual activity until one is truly ready for sexual activity. An obvious reason for me to delay sex is to reduce my risk of getting pregnant. After all, abstinence is the only method that is 100% effective in preventing pregnancy and STIs. Choosing abstinence might be a matter of finding the right person or deciding to abstain until marriage or something else. I personally plan to wait until I find the right person.

My reasons for remaining abstinent are threefold. I believe that I am physically ready, and I know the risks of pregnancy and STIs. However, I am not really psychologically ready to deal with those risks; and I think that I need to be both physically and psychologically ready or it could ruin the experience for me. My main reason for remaining abstinent is mostly emotional – I’ve never been in love. (It is definitely on my to-do list!) However, I choose to remain abstinent until I find the right person and we find the right moment and I am in the right frame of mind to share that part of myself with another. Maybe it won’t be with the love of my life, but I hope to be able to look back on the experience as a positive one.

As a senior in high school, I envisioned myself going off to college, meeting wonderful people with similar interests and goals, and finding the man of my dreams. He would look like this, he would smell like that, and everyone would know him because he would be very popular, smart, and weird, like me. However, as freshman year turned into sophomore year, snowballed into junior year, and now becomes my senior year, I’ve become concerned. I have yet to find the man of my dreams.

But my question still remains: Why is it difficult for me to admit my virginity?

(more…)

31 Aug, 2011

I Blame My Mama (…or How I Got into the Sexual Health Movement)

By |2021-08-19T17:28:14-04:00August 31st, 2011|Categories: Equity & Justice|Tags: , |0 Comments

I am often asked about my decision to become an advocate for sexual and reproductive rights. Before I became involved in this line of work through volunteering and activism in college, I didn’t think much about these issues. In fact, I entered college to study music. Classical music, to be exact. I began playing the violin during the 6th grade, and I carried my love of music with me until my sophomore year of college. My mother was perhaps my biggest supporter, attending all of my concerts and recitals, driving me to my private violin lessons, dropping me off at orchestra auditions, and taking me to the music store to buy new strings or sheet music. I spent 10 years prepping myself for a career in music, and everyone else thought I was headed in that direction too. I used to believe that the sexual and reproductive rights movement was something I just happen to fall into during college, but my introduction began before I even picked up a violin. My mom may have been my biggest supporter in music, but it was what she did (and didn’t do) that planted the seed into the passions and mindset I have today.

I was in middle school, and one day my mother and I were headed back home from a day of being out and about. While listening to the radio, I heard a commercial about bikini area waxing. Of course, I knew what a bikini was, but had not a clue as to what a bikini line was, so I asked my mom…who didn’t give me an answer. At that time, I figured she didn’t hear me, but I know now that not only did she hear me clearly (the radio definitely wasn’t loud) she didn’t respond because she probably didn’t know how to.

Later on, my mom signed my sister and I up for a “pregnancy prevention” module (and that’s probably not the actual name). These classes were taught by our middle school teachers, who clearly weren’t as comfortable teaching the subject matter compared to their routine algebra, language arts, and science classes. And these classes had more to do with anatomy, knowing how babies were made, and what diseases you could catch if you start having sex early (complete with graphic images).

I never had a conversation with my mother about sex or sexual health. While I was more comfortable going to her when my first menstrual cycle began, our talks consisted mainly of the consequences of having sex (pregnancy), if they ever did come up. No HIV, no sexually transmitted infections (STIs), no what to do and where to go for more information about sexual health. In fact, as a high school student, my mother took me to the pediatrician for a routine exam, and when the nurse asked me if I were having sex, my mother answered “No!” for me. (I wanted to play around with her and asked how could she know if I were having sex or not…but I knew not to go there.)

More than ever, I see that my story mirrors many people who get into this movement. There was a lack of parent-child communication regarding sexual health and wellness, and possibly not because our parents and guardians just don’t want to talk about it (though there are some that fall into this category). Oftentimes, parents don’t know how to talk about it. Some parents go for the doom and gloom, focusing more on the after-effects of sex in an attempt to prevent their child from having sex. Some parents (like my mother) believe that schools have curriculums in place to teach students about sex, and rely on these schools to supply information on sexual health and believe that what their kids are getting is accurate information. But we can’t place the blame solely on parents. I can honestly say that I didn’t ask my mother about sex because, just like her, I didn’t know how to bring it up. I wasn’t having sex in middle school or high school, but I didn’t want to put myself in a position where I could lose her trust. Kids are just as afraid to speak to their parents as parents are to speak with their kids.

Thanks to my mother, I am on the path to do what I can to make sure that parents, children, and even couples become comfortable opening up the lines of communication when it comes to sexual health. We spend so much time making sure that kids know the book and classroom skills needed to get into college (and most of it we don’t use after high school anyway), when we should also be discussing sex, which is a natural part of being human and can prepare children for becoming responsible about their health, knowing about their bodies before someone else gets near it.

Here are some things to consider when you decide to begin speaking with your parent or child about sexual health. It may be easier said than done, but with practice, it’ll get better: (more…)

23 Aug, 2011

You Don’t Have to Go to Every Rally: Self Care & Activist Burnout

By |2021-08-19T17:28:46-04:00August 23rd, 2011|Categories: Self & Community Care|Tags: , |0 Comments

 

When I was in graduate school for social work, my professors (particularly in my first year of grad school) told my classmates and I two things: 1) As a social worker, people will expect you to run around and put out fires and 2) you have to make time for yourself. It’s no wonder that many activists tend to be social workers themselves (or in some other profession that sounds social work-y.) When you’re working directly with populations that are marginalized and constantly being denied basic human rights, it’s hard to sit back and ponder on all of the injustices in the world and not have the urge to take action.

I’m in New York City, the biggest activist city in the world. During most weeks, you can find some sort of rally or protest going on that causes streets to be shut down, or people standing in the middle of sidewalks to ask for your signature on the latest campaign. I’ve experienced my fair share of rallies and protests in my day, and while it is exhilarating, there is more to life than fighting the good fight. The good fight isn’t so good when it costs you some peace of mind.

The most successful activist is the activist who strikes a balance between advocating for others as well as making the time to take care of self. In order to advocate for someone else, you have to be able to advocate for you first. It reminds me of safety instructions whenever you’re on a boat on preparing to take off on a flight. You’re asked to place the safety vest or the oxygen mask on you first before placing it on the other person. How can you advocate for people living in low-income neighborhoods to have health care clinics in their neighborhood when you haven’t gone to your primary care physician in over two years, or how can you fight to get better grocery stores in your neighborhood yet you spend more of your time in fast-food restaurants than walking down a grocery aisle?

The two biggest things that separate the well-off activist from the worn-down activist are self-care and burn-out. Self care is a very social justice terms that focuses on the ability to engage in this work while still being able to maintain and outlook on looking and feeling well. Burn-out, on the other hand, is when it feels as though you’ve hit a wall, literally and figuratively. You’re physically and emotionally drained, and maybe a little cranky towards the people you’re working with (and even working to help).

Here are 8 of my tried-and-true tips for preventing activist burnout and getting back to the person that matters most—You: (more…)

25 Jul, 2011

Let’s Talk About Sex: Love, Legislation & Leadership Conference (Day 4- THE AFTERGLOW)

By |2021-08-19T17:21:47-04:00July 25th, 2011|Categories: Equity & Justice|Tags: |0 Comments

Yes, the afterglow. The time where everything seems brand new and you have that look of contentment and happiness on your face, be it from sex, kissing, or cuddling. The same goes for the final day of the SisterSong “Let’s Talk About Sex: Love, Legislation & Leadership” Conference. The last day of the conference focused on emerging issues within reproductive justice, and here are some highlighted tweets from the plenary speakers:

Suzanne Persard, Jahajee Sisters, speaking on Indo-Caribbean women in the reproductive justice movement:

  • Jahajee Sisters addresses domestic violence, gender-based oppression, and LGBT issues in the Indo-Caribbean community.
  • We were considered authentically Indian if we do not discuss our sexual and reproductive health.
  •  Dismantling patriarchy is at the core of the RJ movement.
  • Entitlement is the reason why rape is labeled as “alleged”.

Andrea Smith, Incite! Women of Color Against Violence, discussing the prison industrial complex & the human right to sexuality:

  • The pro-choice and pro-life movements have something in common: criminalization and making something against the law.
  • The state is the beneficiary of our oppression.
  • The mainstream movement is racist. We have to hold these mainstream movements accountable.
  • We support the nonprofit industrial complex when we continue to look at others as the permanent enemy.
  • We have to build alliances around our similarities instead of being divided by our differences.
  • Organize instead around a permanent enemy- support people in changing and becoming part of alliances.
  • What defines the pro-life movement is not a commitment to life, but a commitment to criminalization.
  • There is innovation and radicalism in our youth, and we should get with the program.
  • You can win a revolution on your own… Anything else is simply not worth our time.

Beata Tsosie, TEWA Women United, on fighting the military industrial complex for environmental justice:

  • We deserve job options that are sustainable for our people.
  • US military is largest polluter in the world…not responsible for cleaning up.
  • It’s important that as people of color, we continue to insert our voices in the policies that affect our communities.
  • We still “live off the land”, the impacts of the nuclear industry are big on the community.

(more…)

22 Jul, 2011

Let’s Talk About Sex: Love, Legislation & Leadership Conference (Day 3- LEADERSHIP)

By |2021-08-19T17:19:19-04:00July 22nd, 2011|Categories: Equity & Justice|Tags: |0 Comments

We know how to “sista”. We know how to partner with each other. 

~Serena Garcia, SisterSong Communications Coordinator

Day 3 of the 2011 SisterSong “Let’s Talk About Sex” Conference focused on leadership. We cannot sustain ourselves as a movement if we do not have leaders on the front line and behind the scenes. To me, leadership takes many forms: from the spokesperson of an organizations (such as SisterSong’s National Coordinator, Loretta Ross ) to the intern who or volunteer who does a lot of the footwork in getting signatures for petitions that can encourage lawmakers to support laws that work for women of color and our reproductive health.

This day was very important for me because there was more of a focus on developing and sustaining leaders among younger women. I volunteered as a sophomore at Spelman College for the first SisterSong conference back in 2003, and I was swept up in the reproductive justice movement because of it. Even almost 8 years later, I still try to find ways to develop my leadership. It’s an ongoing process. As Serena’s quote above mentions, we’re very good at partnering with each other. But how can we develop leadership in ways that are inclusive and highlight all parties involved without the usual competitive nature?

Here are some highlights via Twitter from Day 3’s leadership plenary panel:

Paris Hatcher, SPARK Reproductive Justice Now: Shackling as a reproductive justice issue

  • Many of us are in the reproductive justice   movement because we want to dismantle patriarchy.
  • I’m tired of politics that are coated as reproductive justice   issues…it creates advocates instead of leaders.
  • This movement was centered around having transformative work become deeper.
  • Incarcerated women and shackling issue allows us to shift framework from abortion. How can mothers protect their children when they themselves are shackled with chains in jails and prisons?

Maria Rodriguez, Florida Immigrant Coalition discussing immigrant human rights issues

  • Immigrants in this country are just displaced poor people, not different than some of the gentrification we’ve seen.
  • Our immigration policies are driven by racism. Let’s bring some humanity to what immigrant women are going through.
  • In 2024, Florida will be majority people of color.
  • We need to have a broader analysis when we look at gender, race and class.
  • The criminalization of women and immigration policies is about creating a permanent underclass and profiteering.
  • Under our Democratic administration, there are record numbers of detainees.
  • We have to self-lead our own sexuality.

Maria Nakae of Asian Communities for Reproductive Justice, discussing strong families and reproductive justice

  • No matter what our families look like, women are at the center. Families are at the core of reproductive justice.
  • By telling your own story, you can make your voice heard.
  • We’re moving away from the image of the “nuclear family” to an image of a family that is multicultural and multi-loving.
  • When women struggle, families struggle.
  • ACRJ’s Strong Families program consists of families where reproductive justice   for all members are met and provided.
  • Strong Families is an opportunity for women of color to be at the lead of cross-sector work.
  • Now is the time for women of color to take strong leadership in a bold vision to build our families.

Crystal Crawford, California Black Women’s Health Project, discussing engaging young women in policy advocacy

  • Folks are more focused on ourselves instead of on how we can serve the people we partner with.
  • We have to honor the legacy where we come from and the shoulders we stand on. We should never go into this work alone.
  • Engaging young women in a two-way process. We have to have their backs to help them to be effective leaders.
  • Inter-generational leadership is critical. We in the  reproductive justice movement oftentimes don’t walk the talk. We need to take care of our bodies and wellness.

(more…)

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