How My Mother’s Death Makes Me Fear Motherhood
(This post is also cross-posted at The Doula Guide)
My mother died when I was seventeen years old. Diagnosed with lung cancer in December 2000, she rapidly declined, passing away 5 months later at the age of 43. We all have that one moment when your world changes forever. This was my moment.
When you’re a teenager, the world revolves around you. I was a high achiever. I expected nothing less than an A in all of my classes, striving to keep my concert master violinist position in my high school orchestra, and making sure that I was inducted into the National Honors Society and National Beta Club, all while maintaining a 4.3 grade point average. I was used to thinking logically about many things, but for a long time I couldn’t grasp the fact that my mother, who never smoked, could die from something like lung cancer. Even worse, I didn’t want to accept the fact that I would never see her again. One of my biggest fears in life was losing my mother at a young age. Though I was 5 months shy of my 18th birthday, I felt like a little girl on the day of my mother died.
As I approach my 29th birthday a little over a month away, I still have many moments in which I feel like that 17 year old all over again. Also, visions of babies dance in my head. While many women my age are either currently pregnant, already mothers, or are waiting with anticipation of becoming mothers some day, I come up with as many reasons as possible as to why motherhood may not be for me:
Not all women desire to be mothers.
What if my kid doesn’t like me?
Kids are expensive, and the economy sucks.
I actually get more excited when I see a dog than I do when I see a baby.
What if I don’t like my kid?
We live in a patriarchal society that puts forth the ideal that women are nothing if we aren’t mothers and wives.
What about my career?
Do I really want the responsibility of caring for another life?
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