Early in the year, I picked up my phone to speak with a friend that I hadn’t talked to in a while.
We met while as college students and youth activists through one of Advocates for Youth’s youth leadership initiatives. She’s a pediatrician and had recently opened a home pediatrics business.
We were scheduled to talk about our businesses, and before we started, she asked, “First off, how are you doing? I see you doing great things via social media, but I really want to know how you are doing.”
I was caught off guard.
It took a few seconds to respond, and I realize I couldn’t remember the last time someone asked me if I was ok or how am I doing without it being tied to a request.
I get many requests for my time. Personally and professionally. Sometimes these requests start off with a “How are you?” or an “I hope you’re doing well”. Sometimes they get straight to the point. Most of the time these are people I’ve never spoken to before or they’re people I haven’t heard from in some time.
Or sometimes, I’ll reach out to someone only to discover they thought about me recently but didn’t think to reach out. Their reason? Because they look at what I post on social media and believe that everything is fine.
When was the last time you asked someone “How are you doing?” and it wasn’t connected to a request for their time?
How often do you think of someone and assume everything is fine based on what they elect to share on social media?
How often do you think of someone in passing, and make no effort to reach out to them?
When was the last time you made plans to spend time with someone and allowed for those plans to fall through?
I’ll admit, I’m so used to people not reaching out to me, I get nervous when someone really does contact me out of the blue!
I also realize that relationships (with family, friends, and significant others) require reciprocity. We all have those relationships where we wouldn’t hear from them unless we reach out first. Or we’re the ones that travel to them. Or we do things for them that go unnoticed. When I find myself in these situations, I begin to pull back, only for them to ask later if everything is ok. Not only were they acknowledging that I put in a lot of effort, they inadvertently acknowledged that their efforts were lacking,
And in the spirit of reciprocity, I also had to ask myself these questions. When was the last time I asked someone how they were? How often do I assume everything is ok based on what I see on social media? How often do I decide not to reach out to someone when they cross my mind? When was the last time I made plans with someone and allowed them to fall through?
While I was caught off guard, I appreciated my friend for taking the time to ask me how I was doing at that moment. And I also realize that I have to start doing more of this for others.
This is my last post for 2019. And for the year 2020 and the new decade, I want to develop a better system of relationship reciprocity. At the top of my list will be to ask more of “How are you doing?” (and actually mean it) and not be caught off guard when someone asks me the same.
Raise Your Voice: How will you build a system of relationship reciprocity in 2020?
