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While working in direct practice and case management, I had a few clients whom I consider to be favorites. One in particular was a middle-age man who came to the agency for services.

When I first met him, he had survived three heart attacks in one month. He sat in my supervisor’s office, crying because he knew he needed some mental health services to deal with the stressors his body was enduring. On top of that, he was dealing with the heartache of losing his partner. The partner’s family blamed him for the death and subsequently refused to allowed my client to attend the funeral (and they also did not disclose where his partner was buried).

Of all the home visits I conducted, his home was also one of my favorites to visit. He was very hospitable and enjoyed showing off the items in his home. One day, as we were sitting outside in his outdoor office (yes…outdoor office), he asked, “How do you do this? How can you work with people that are desperate for help, who have so many problems?” I gave the usual “I like to help people” response, yet his question stuck with me until the I left the agency.

About a year before leaving the agency, I had a hard time getting in contact with him. As someone who readily responded to phone calls and letters and always welcomed me into his home, he was unresponsive. My letters to him were returned to back to sender, his phone was disconnected, and his health insurance was inactive.

I finally contacted his emergency contact—his mother—who informed me that he had died 3 months earlier from a heart attack. I was in a funk for the remainder of the day. The first thing I did when I got home was cry. I had clients who died before him, and several more who died after, but his death hit me the hardest.

I’ve been asked by a few people—in particular social workers—for advice on developing thick skin when dealing with clients and customers. The training and education you receive in school and during your internships will serve you well, but there will be days where your patience is tested. Here’s my advice on how to develop thick skin:

Remember your humanity

I had clients who treated me like crap, yet became upset when I informed them that was leaving the agency. Even though they treated me poorly, they counted on my presence and knew they could come to me for help. While the majority of my clients were even tempered, I had several clients who I would brace myself for as I didn’t know how the interaction would go. Sometimes those interactions ended well, yet there were many times where I was left reeling. So much that I would have to leave the office and take a walk or hold it together until I got home. Regardless of how much education and training you have, remember that you’re human and that things can get to you.

Put things into perspective

If you work in social services or any helping profession, you will come into contact with a variety of people. It’s not a good feeling to hear someone tell you that they don’t like you or that you haven’t done anything for them. When you put things into perspective, you will realize we all come with our own world views, traumas, and expectations and baggage. All of this can impact how we relate to others. In time, you’ll develop the ability to recognize this when someone lashes out at you, but it will take a lot not to respond back to them in the same manner. Why?

Get appropriate support 

Because you will see that, in spite of whatever condition or experience someone is going through, some people act the way they do because they know they can get away with it. This is where supervision is a must. When dealing with someone like this, you can request your supervisor be present to help facilitate your interactions with the person. Even though people are dealing with their own traumas doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to get swept up in it. Also, there will be times when you develop a great relationship with clients, and it will hurt when something happens to them. Your supervisor should be able to help you navigate your feelings.

Recognize when it’s time to move on

While going into my consulting business full time was my main motivator for leaving my agency, I had recognized that I had done everything I could do in my position. Not only had I burned out, I had become desensitized to the experiences of my clients.

When you find yourself in that position, it’s time to be honest with yourself. When you dread walking into the office, dread getting a call from the front desk that a client is here to see you, and dread being pulled into a meeting, be honest about what your desires are. What you can do to make a graceful exit, be it from your current position or from the agency or organization? Put yourself in an environment that’s conducive to your self care. I learned a lot from my clients and I wish them all well to this day, but sometimes developing thick skin means putting yourself first and knowing when it’s time to move on.