One of the features of my newsletter, Raise Your Voice, is “Nicole Recommends”, where I give a brief review of a product, organization, film/tv show, service, or opportunity that has the potential to raise awareness on health-related and social justice issues that affect women and girls of color.  So when I was asked to review Subjectified, I initially planned to only mention it in my newsletter. However, I thought it would be interesting to share my thoughts on this documentary here on my blog because 1) I have never done an actual review on my blog, and 2) I wanted to get the word out about the project that’s connected to this documentary and I think they can be beneficial.

Subjectified uses story-sharing to give viewers an unfiltered look at the sexual histories of nine young women in the United States. Filmmaker Melissa Tapper Goldman describes Subjectified as “a documentary that presents a real, human picture of women’s diverse sexual experiences from around the United States. When it comes to sex, women are so often seen (on billboards or television), but their voices are rarely heard.” What we tend to see in mainstream media is often in stark contrast to what young women are actually experiencing. Other influences, such as geographic region, religion, politics, and family upbringing can also play a role in how young women take on their sexuality. Tapper Goldman set out to answer the question, “What would real stories of female sexuality sound like?”, and the young women featured in Subjectified are just as diverse and their geographic locations.

They share personal stories on varied parts of sexuality and sex, including childbirth, breastfeeding, abortion, birth control, masturbation, body image, sexually transmitted infections, sex education, and surviving sexual assault. Mariluz (age 19) was raised in the Catholic Church, and confidently talks about how her sex life with her boyfriend is filled with playful touches and comfort. Brittney (age 20) shares stories of her Mormon upbringing, being sexually active, and how she has sometimes had sex when it didn’t feel good to her. Joy (age 23) discloses being molested at age 7 and the guilt she’s felt associated with her sexuality, pressure to have sex, and to feel more like an adult. Alexis (23) shared that she was excused from sex education in school due to her religious upbringing, and how sex became real for her when she discovered that she didn’t have to behave the way that adult film actresses do in pornography. Rebecca (23) is a daughter of a southern pastor, abstinent, and shares what kind of sex life she hopes to have with her future husband. “Moree” (24) learned about sex from her father, and shared how her first sexual partner’s decision to wear a condom prompted her to become more responsible about sex. “Vanessa” (25) shares her experiences of being sexual assaulted, her need to feel loved and accepted by her romantic partners, and how pregnancy has affected her body. Jackie (age 26) tells a story of growing up in abstinence-only education in the Midwest. And Samantha (age 28) was excommunicated from her Evangelical church and discussed her attraction to women, despite being raised to believe that women were subservient to men.

I enjoyed the stories of the young women in Subjectified, but the stories I enjoyed the most were from the young women of color: (more…)

(This post is also cross-posted at The Doula Guide)

My mother died when I was seventeen years old. Diagnosed with lung cancer in December 2000, she rapidly declined, passing away 5 months later at the age of 43. We all have that one moment when your world changes forever. This was my moment.

When you’re a teenager, the world revolves around you. I was a high achiever. I expected nothing less than an A in all of my classes, striving to keep my concert master violinist position in my high school orchestra, and making sure that I was inducted into the National Honors Society and National Beta Club, all while maintaining a 4.3 grade point average. I was used to thinking logically about many things, but for a long time I couldn’t grasp the fact that my mother, who never smoked, could die from something like lung cancer. Even worse, I didn’t want to accept the fact that I would never see her again. One of my biggest fears in life was losing my mother at a young age. Though I was 5 months shy of my 18th birthday, I felt like a little girl on the day of my mother died.

As I approach my 29th birthday a little over a month away, I still have many moments in which I feel like that 17 year old all over again. Also, visions of babies dance in my head. While many women my age are either currently pregnant, already mothers, or are waiting with anticipation of becoming mothers some day, I come up with as many reasons as possible as to why motherhood may not be for me:

Not all women desire to be mothers.

What if my kid doesn’t like me?

Kids are expensive, and the economy sucks.

I actually get more excited when I see a dog than I do when I see a baby.

What if I don’t like my kid?

We live in a patriarchal society that puts forth the ideal that women are nothing if we aren’t mothers and wives.

What about my career?

Do I really want the responsibility of caring for another life?
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About a month or so ago, I was walking in downtown Brooklyn and noticed groups of people crowded around construction site near a fast-food dive that’s been closed for renovation. As I continued to walk, I noticed people writing on the black boards with large pieces of chalk. Some stood there for a while, and other quickly wrote, placed the chalk back in the nearby baskets, and walked away with smiles on their faces. I decided to walk over to the board and saw the words “Before I Die” in large, bold white letters. As I moved in I noticed several spaces that read “Before I die I want to ________”. People had written in responses:

Before I die I want to be heard.

Before I die I want to propose in Paris.

Before I die I want to discover myself.

Before I die I want to love without fear.

Before I die I want to be able to retire.

Before I die I want to see my daughter be happy.

Before I die I want to stop using drugs.

Before I die I want to cure AIDS.

I had been having a gloomy day, focusing on what was going on in my head and not much on the world around me. But this made me smile. It brought me back to the place where I realize that life is more than just about whatever it is I’m going through. I looked at the people who were writing on the black board: grandparents, teens, mothers, people from all races and ethnicities. We all may look different, and we all may come from different walks of life, but we do have three things in common: 1) We each have a story, 2) we all have aspirations, goals, and dreams that we often keep to ourselves, and 3) we often don’t take the time to express our gratitude.

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