If you’re someone who, in the words of Gabrielle Bernstein, has a tendency to future trip, this Self Care Corner exercise is for you.
We all have things that we worry about, and oftentimes thinking about what could possibly happen causes more anxiety than the thing we’re worried about.
Over the weekend, I read a blog post by writer and law of attraction coach Kelli Cooper of Life Made to Order. Kelli writes:
One of the best ways to clean up your energy is a willingness to receive all outcomes. A willingness to accept the things you fear worst may happen. A willingness to believe that maybe those things have to happen in order for you to make the shifts required of you. A willingness to believe that even if these things happen, it’s still all good and you’ll be okay.
I started thinking about an issue that’s been causing me a great deal of stress over the past few months. After giving myself time to wallow in self pity and thinking about the worst thing that can happen, I took out a small notebook and began to write.
When an issue is stuck in your head and has no way of releasing itself, it can seem overwhelming.
But when you stop running from your issue, turn around and observe it with non judgment, what once seemed insurmountable begins to look like something you can deal with.
This is a process you can do alone, or (if you’re a social worker or someone in the helping professions) walk your clients through it.
Here are 9 questions to ask yourself:
What’s on my mind?: The goal of this question allows you to present what’s happening in neutral terms. Forget about your feelings towards what’s bothering you. Just state the facts.
How do I feel about this?: Now, you can share how the issue is making you feel. How is the issue impacting you physically (migraines, stomach aches, lack of sleep, etc.), emotionally (angry outburst when you’re usually calm, excessive crying, sleeping more to escape the issue, etc.), and interpersonally (avoiding family and friends, not returning calls or texts, calling out of work or skipping class, etc.)? This question allows you to see HOW you’re viewing the issue. Really, it’s our perception of the issue that is dictating how we respond to it.
What about this issue is keeping me up at night?: If you’re like me, you may be action-oriented. Your mind comes up with all these solutions, but when you act on them, nothing works. Taking steps towards a resolution is great, but the goal of this question is to take an assessment of what we’ve done to resolve the situation (even if nothing has worked so far) and to be honest with ourselves in understanding the place we’re action from when we take action. Are you acting from a place of possibility or from a place of fear? You may also think about what will happen if you can’t figure things out. Which leads into the next question.
What is the worst case scenario? It’s easy for my mind to go to the most outlandish outcome. Either that, or I tend to come up with an outcome that makes the most sense for the issue I’m facing. The worst case scenario can often be scary, and it’s the thing we’re running away from. The more we run away from it, the bigger it seems. What do you think will happen if your issue isn’t resolved? The goal of this question is to go all out, and get it all on paper. Write as long as you need to and don’t leave out any details. It’s been evading your thoughts for this long, so get it out.
Is this true?: This question is loosely based on Byron Katie’s The Work. Go back to what you wrote down as your worst case scenario. We allow our minds to go there, rendering us stuck. However, when your mind is fixated on one possible outcome, it becomes blind to other possible outcomes. As Kelli said, you may have your worst case scenario, but there may be other worst case scenarios that could happen. As such, there may be multiple solutions to your issue, yet as we focus only on one solution, we’re blocking ourselves from seeing other solutions. The goal of this question is to take your worst case scenario to task and look at it from a neutral place. Are you absolutely sure that your worst case scenario will come to pass? It may, or it may not.
If the worst case scenario happens, will I be ok?: The goal of this question is to focus on your strengths. As I thought of my worst case scenario, I realized that, while it would suck if the scenario actually happened, I’ve faced much worse. I know I’ll be ok. I may lose some things and have to contemplate other actions to take, but I gain a better appreciation for how I allowed myself to feel courageous. Some situations may feel direr than others. You may feel the issue is too far gone, but invite yourself to go within and feel your strength. You’re stronger than you think you are. Knowing that you’ll be ok, no matter what happens, will help to release some of the resistance you may be feeling towards your issue.
What would happen if I gave myself permission to stop worrying over the worst case scenario?: This ties into Questions 2 and 5. There are a lot of physical and emotional feelings we have towards our issue, that if we were to allow ourselves to stop worrying over the worst case scenario, we can find instant relief, if only for a moment. Because thinking of the worst case scenario is future tripping, giving yourself permission to stop worry allows you to be more mindful and in the present moment.
How do I want to feel once my issue is resolved?: The goal of this question is to focus on how you want to feel. Sometimes we can have a desire for something, but really what we’re looking for is the feeling we believe the desire will bring. How do you expect to feel once your issue is resolved?
What can I do NOW to feel these feelings?: When you think about how you want to feel once your issue is resolved, challenge yourself to feel those feelings now. It may seem easier said than done, but think of some things you love to do that can cultivate those feelings now. Is relief is something that you feel will come once the issue is resolved, do something that will give you relief now. If joy is what you’re after, what can you experience now to feel joy?
After processing these questions for myself, I can say that I feel much better than I did before I started. Hopefully these questions will help you as well.
