Nothing brings about a flood of emotions like our exes.
On a website and blog that focuses on workshops, research and evaluation, and program sustainability, why am I blogging about relationships?
Well, I promised myself I’d blog more about
I’m happy to say that the people I’ve had romantic relationships with are good people, and I’m at a place in my life now where I can identify the purpose each one had in my life and the life lessons I learned at those moments in time. I can think about the good times I’ve had with them and wish them all well. But are we friends to the point that I’d consider them part of my inner circle? Not really.
When identifying your “breathe” supports, one question to ask yourself is “Do you feel that the people you’ve chosen as your ‘breathe’ supports are sufficient or do you need to expand your circle of support?” For some, a former romantic partner might be part of that support system.
I never thought about being friends with an ex until I experienced my first heartache, about a year after graduating from college. He asked if we could remain friends, and I agreed. My rationale: I wanted to get him back and thought the best way to do it was to show him I could be a good friend.
I remember attending a party with him about a month after we broke up, and it was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. Not only did I feel uncomfortable, he and I barely spoke and when we did it felt forced. Plus, the people at the party were confused as to why we arrived at this party together in the first place. (It’s funny now, but at the time it wasn’t). Every communication I had with him was awkward and didn’t feel good. Even months and years later, most interactions with him felt forced and disingenuous.
I had to be honest about why I’d attempted something that in the end, didn’t make me feel good. First off, trying to get an ex back by being friends with them doesn’t work. I also thought about how I physically felt when interacting with my ex (shallow breathing, quickening heartbeat) and how I felt emotionally (defeated, and a loser).
So one day, I gave myself permission to stop trying to be friends with him because I needed to find some relief. This didn’t include an announcement that I would no longer be contacting him or blocking him from contacting me. I just slowly lessened communication with him. When I checked in with myself, I felt better physically, and not so much like a loser. But I had a nagging thought: He’s a good guy. We technically didn’t end on bad terms, so what gives?
If we’re honest with ourselves, not all romantic relationships are supposed to last, and not all relationships end on bad terms. But does this mean we have to remain friends with our exes?
I realized that I shouldn’t force myself to continue doing something I didn’t want to do, even if my intentions for wanting to remain friends
If you find yourself contemplating whether to remain friends with an ex and it’s impacting how you take care of yourself, ask these questions:
Why do I want to remain friends with this person?
Because I hoping that he’d come back around to wanting to be my boyfriend again, I felt weirdly manipulative in how I interacted with him, which made me feel like an even bigger loser. The positive in this is that I was able to recognize it back then, which is something I don’t think one realizes until years later in hindsight. Plus, I felt that I had to because he was a good guy and he asked.
How do I feel physically and emotionally when I interact with this person?
If being around an ex causes you to not feel your best, that’s an indicator that you need to explore whether being friends with this person is something you can do right now. It’s very possible that, with time, you’ll be able to interact with them without
Does having this person in my life impact my ability to take care of myself?
Initially, after the breakup, I remember doing a Google search for ways to get over an ex while making them miss you at the same time (I know, I know). A read lots of information about the “30-day no contact” rule. I tried this tactic and felt worse. Plus, it impacted my ability to process the relationship ending and move on.
Bonus: I don’t want to be friends with this person, but they’re in my life in some capacity (we have a child together, for example). How do I navigate this?
Processing the end of a relationship can be difficult when there’s still something continuing to keep you in contact with this person. It goes without saying that the wellbeing of your child should be a priority, but that doesn’t mean you can’t practice
Key takeaway
Choosing to be friends with someone should come from a place of authenticity. Never should you feel obligated to remain friends with someone, nor should you attempt to in the hopes of winning this person back. Many romantic relationships have transitioned into beautiful friendships. An ex’s friendship can be part of your self care plan, but you have to be honest about why you’re remaining in each other’s lives, if this friendship is triggering for you in any way, and if this friendship is preventing you from moving on with your life. Just because things ended on good terms, doesn’t mean you have to stay connected to them (and if you still need to be in contact with them, you can still find ways to take care of yourself.)
Raise Your Voice: How do you navigate remaining friends with an ex, and how does it fit into how you take care of yourself? Share below in the comments section.
