My day-to-day didn’t change much, if at all, when the current pandemic began. As the months passed, my mental health and self-esteem slowly declined. Much of it, outside of the psychological impact of dealing with a virus that still has many unknowns and sheltering in place, was due to my own expectation to continue to perform optimally.

I had a laundry list of tasks to complete and tried to show up to my work as though a pandemic and racial injustices weren’t occurring, even when my clients asked for grace as they pivoted to support their staff and program participants.

While I still have many items on my to-do list, most of these items aren’t tackled on a normal day. As we’re still in the middle of a pandemic, I’m lucky if I’m able to knock out 1-2 high-level items. The more items I crossed off my list, the more accomplished I felt…but most of these items didn’t move me towards my bigger goals in any significant way.

Several years ago, I came across the concept of a “well done” list. I tucked the concept away and thought about it the other day as I looked at my ever-growing to-do list.

What’s a “well done” list? Similar to a to-do list, it’s a list of tasks. Instead of focusing on the number of items you cross off your to-do list, a “well done” list acknowledges the quality of what gets done.

Nothing brings about a flood of emotions like our exes.

On a website and blog that focuses on workshops, research and evaluation, and program sustainability, why am I blogging about relationships?

Well, I promised myself I’d blog more about self care in 2019. More specifically, how we think about self care within the context of our relationships. This is something I want to explore, given that it’s something that we all face at some point in our lives.

I’m happy to say that the people I’ve had romantic relationships with are good people, and I’m at a place in my life now where I can identify the purpose each one had in my life and the life lessons I learned at those moments in time. I can think about the good times I’ve had with them and wish them all well. But are we friends to the point that I’d consider them part of my inner circle? Not really.

When identifying your “breathe” supports, one question to ask yourself is “Do you feel that the people you’ve chosen as your ‘breathe’ supports are sufficient or do you need to expand your circle of support?” For some, a former romantic partner might be part of that support system.

I never thought about being friends with an ex until I experienced my first heartache, about a year after graduating from college. He asked if we could remain friends, and I agreed. My rationale: I wanted to get him back and thought the best way to do it was to show him I could be a good friend.

I remember attending a party with him about a month after we broke up, and it was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. Not only did I feel uncomfortable, he and I barely spoke and when we did it felt forced. Plus, the people at the party were confused as to why we arrived at this party together in the first place. (It’s funny now, but at the time it wasn’t). Every communication I had with him was awkward and didn’t feel good. Even months and years later, most interactions with him felt forced and disingenuous. 

I had to be honest about why I’d attempted something that in the end, didn’t make me feel good. First off, trying to get an ex back by being friends with them doesn’t work. I also thought about how I physically felt when interacting with my ex (shallow breathing, quickening heartbeat) and how I felt emotionally (defeated, and a loser).

So one day, I gave myself permission to stop trying to be friends with him because I needed to find some relief. This didn’t include an announcement that I would no longer be contacting him or blocking him from contacting me. I just slowly lessened communication with him. When I checked in with myself, I felt better physically, and not so much like a loser. But I had a nagging thought: He’s a good guy. We technically didn’t end on bad terms, so what gives?

If we’re honest with ourselves, not all romantic relationships are supposed to last, and not all relationships end on bad terms. But does this mean we have to remain friends with our exes?

I realized that I shouldn’t force myself to continue doing something I didn’t want to do, even if my intentions for wanting to remain friends weren’t exactly pure in the beginning. Plus, it was preventing me from moving on with my life. 

If you find yourself contemplating whether to remain friends with an ex and it’s impacting how you take care of yourself, ask these questions: